I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
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