What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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