Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
