You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
