im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
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