dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
