i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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