If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
