He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
