Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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