cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
