It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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