I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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