Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
We need to feng shui this bitch.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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