I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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