PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I would ride that face into the sunset
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
