she was so not down for the gang bang
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
