I can text with my tongue
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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