you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
