I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
