I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
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pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
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I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
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