He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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