this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize