So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
