Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
