I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
