Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Your cock deserves a montage
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
