I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
