I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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