It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize