Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
