i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
