I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
My ATM looks so different sober.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
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