I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
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