And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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