There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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