just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
