you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
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