please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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