I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
