When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I need to calm my uterus...
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
