If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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