some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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