Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
