Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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