Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
