I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
