I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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