Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
