My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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