Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
