i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Randomize
