btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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