margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
