I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
